How about we don’t fuck about and we just get straight into it? I’m not in the mood for your time wasting, these things are off-puttingly long enough for people to read – WOKE UP THIS MORNING – so lets just – GOT A something IN YOUR EYE – get into episode 4 Meadowl- GOT YOSELF A GUN. Love it.

Legs!

Kicking off with a dream sequence that I’m not loving. Old man rolling past (on wheels) out the therapist window…creepy son…sex… Is that what Jackie looks like? Tony sees Grandma Soprano as the psychiatrist. Very Freudian. But we’re not here to learn…

..Mario Karts! Now we’re talking. You can keep your creepy sex scene, I’ll watch Anthony Junior play Mario Karts on a school night. Tony tries to have a heart to heart with his son whilst playing the N64, which is just not going to happen – “Dad you have to concentrate” – He’s bang on, you really do.

Ahh Adriana is great.

Christopher looks hilarious after his near dear experience and – come with me on this – looks a bit like a young Bradley Cooper. No? A bit though maybe?

Christopher is rightly paranoid (although if we wanted you dead Chris, you’d be dead) and he- Oh wow. They’ve just walked in on Dumber dead in the bath. Disguised Christopher (a regular Miss Congeniality – yeah that’s right, that’s my reference point!) was this paranoid before he knew his buddy had been killed! Where does he go from here?! The way things are going I’m guessing a fake moustache and tall hat.

I’m always excited for the school drama, lot of fun to be had here. First time we’ve seen Anthony here with his very late 90s hair cut and he is about to pull the mother of all pranks – the timeless, err, message a teenager’s pager prank? Oh boy if i had a nickel….

The Prank Kings sent a message of ‘your mom blows‘ (by…calling the pager? How do they work?). Not being an expert on either pagers or why people are insulted by your mum jokes I can’t shed any light on this. I want to know more about the kid carrying a pager though. Best guess is that he’s a 15 year old doctor. Yeah that checks out. Anyway The Good Doctor and Ant have a tame little scrap where our boys shirt gets ridiculously torn. Whether that’s due to the fight or as a set up to Anthony being a young version of The Hulk remains to be seen.

I don’t know the name of the guy with the luscious hair leaving the dentists (I’m as shocked as you are) but Tony does, and he doesn’t want him outing his mental instability. What sort of building is this where a psychiatrists office is the door opposite a dentists? Come at me America; is it some sort of Medical Mall? Also worth questioning how many doors Jennifer has to her office because If I’m not mistaken (and I haven’t been able anything so far) we usually see a waiting area outside her door; not a busy corridor with other offices.

Tony vents his concern (about being spotted, not about the many-doors-theory) to Jennifer who comes up with a sassy line back at him. I understand what taking the fifth means. I don’t understand why she realised she had just said the funniest thing of all time, and Tony lets her have it.

Ad break. I need to pee.

Ah that’s better. Hey, no one is writing TV recaps like this are they? Wonder why?..

Strong contender for dumbest scene of the season so far, as Adriana literally drags the daughter out off school (oh she’s Meadow right? Meadowlane…okay okay, my brains kicking into gear now). As soon as she’s thrust into the passenger seat undercover Bradley Cooper starts screwing at her for giving him up. Could he be any less intimidating if he tried? She denies it, tells him Tony misses you babe, so they’re off to get a happy meal. That’s how things got sorted pre 9/11 kids. Note to self: stop bringing up 9/11.

Over to Anthony trying to kill a fly (not buying it HBO) with a baseball mitt when Nurse Jackie (I’ve forgotten her name, sorry) starts quizzing him about his Hulk shirt. She’s not happy that he doesn’t appreciate the value of money, before mentioning she lett her pre-teen son wear a $40 shirt from Grandma. That one’s on you mum.

Speaking of Grandma and she’s wearing her Sunday best when Tony goes to visit. As if. She’s wearing her nightgown like every scene. Oozing class as usual ma’! She doesn’t give two figs that her son brought her some macaroons. Just wants them left out for the lunatics. No figs given. Why am I talking about figs? It’s not even a reference to anything. By my maths Tony has visited his mum 6 times for a combined total of 3 mins, before she was too much for him. Poor Tony.

Ooh Tony wants the 411 on his therapist (see Mr Robot reference a few episodes ago – called it!) from a washed up car salesman who has a taste for macaroons. Who doesn’t? A box of macaroons down and Tony gets the update from a now less-paranoid Christopher that his really, really stupid friend is dead. To make things right, Tony is just gonna steal this janitors staple gun. Is that how easy it is to get a staple gun in the states? WAKE UP AMERICA!

As if being sat in the car all day without realising at some point you’d been given a ticket wasn’t bad enough for Mikey, here comes Big T with a staple gun and a fist full of revenge.

Not Russian Hack: “Remember comrades, staple guns don’t do the killings, peoples do! Trump you is vote! 100 years Donald Trump! Yes?“

Tony goes straight to the big cheese to thrash it out. Uncle Cheesy wants extra, erm, cheese and requests Chris works for him now to put things right, Tony refuses. “Next time you come here; you come heavy or not at all” says Junior, rightly worried by Tony’s unnatural size zero figure.

Ad break – no pee needed this time – but Junior eating pasta (and bread?) made me want pasta, so I might cook some pasta. It’s the only Sopranos blog written this decade that actively dares you to stop reading.

But you haven’t; so now you’ll have to hear about the used car salesman tailing a childishly, giggling Jennifer while she works on her tight five for the Comedy Cellar. She has got to be my least favourite character.

Used car salesman pulls over her balding date and kicks the shit out of him for knowing more legalise than he does. Jennifer is going to call her lawyer – her date can’t even get her business, poor guy.

This crooked cop seems like he is really washed up – is this the best Tony could conjure up? A guy who has to pull six scraps of notepaper out of his pocket to report back on how Jennifer goes to therapy too. Tony reacts to that like he heard another kid on the playground announce he saw a teacher outside of school. Can you imagine!

In 0.01 I suggested they remake this show without human actors, only using crustaceans; I think this next scene is as close as we are going to get to The Lobrapnos for now. When that is on the cards though (and it will be) there will be a scene where they are all sat around with bibs eating humans. Karma. I’ve typed over most of what is being said but it all sounds very PC (“physically challenged“) as the gang stoke the flames for a mutiny.

At school Ant and The Good Doctor almost have a Step Brothers moment!

Oh no, no they haven’t

The school referee got there just in time to deem the fight a draw (ha) so they have rescheduled the fight for high noon tomorrow (or something). Both parties have consulted their diaries and…yes!..the fight is a go!

Down at the garden centre The Good Doctor’s dad is worried that the dad fight is on the undercard. Obviously his N64 sessions have worked better with his son and he can’t get away from an axe wielding Soprano fast enough. If he knew Tony was a few minutes away from another anxiety attack I think he’d actually fancy his chances.

Nurse Jackie – Carmela was it? – uses it as an excuse to pry into how his therapy is going and the therapist – “What does he think about everything?” Guess the marriage is too fragile to acknowledge Tony spending 24/7 pouring his feelings out to a woman. When the truth does eventually come out about that one, Tony is going to have to remember it was Carmela insisting he keep going (or else).

Glasses back on for Jenny (no more wise cracks then) who is as willing as ever to recommend more drugs for Tony at his next session. Not one to take her own advice, Jenny tells Tony what he needs to do to solve his mother/uncle problems, by giving them the illusion of control….

Okay what’s happening now? I ate my pasta (was okay, needed bread). Chris is back on the street chasing some cash. Wonder how long he’ll have his neck brace on for? One more episode i think. He didn’t like the fact Yo-Yo gave Junior’s guys his money – he also probably didn’t like that BM rumour doing the rounds – so he jumps a beefy looking Yo-Yo, who I think could have taken him.

Fight fans: ARRRRRRRRRRRE YOOOU REEEEAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDY????? It’s the one you’ve all been waiting for…after literally hours of anticipation, itttttttttttt’s Fight time!

In the red corner, wearing a backwards baseball cap and weighing in at [no fat jokes] pounds… the prince of the criminal underworld, the king of pranks, please welcome: Anthony Jr “The Hulk” Soprrraannnnoooooooooo!

His opponent this evening is in the blue corner, wearing his dad’s extra large open shirt. It’s the reining and defending champion of bullying, the lover of camps and the undisputed owner of a pager, give it up for: The Good Doctoooooooooor..the…Othhhhhhhhhhher Kiiiiiid!

This amount of text is going to put of dozens of potential readers lads so this better be a good fight. The stare off is strong. The crowd wait on tenterhooks…

What’s this? The Doc takes out his wallet and he’s handing over the cash! Fucking hell. Unprecedented! No one is impressed as it turns out that shirt isn’t all he got out of a talk with his dad.

Books, booze, boobs and anti-depressants. Yep we’re back with Tony who (if I can hear past the background music AGAIN HBO) has just seen on the news that good ol’ Jackie has passed away.

Christopher comes storming in (as per usual) and – amazing! – the guy he beat up actually went by the name Yo-Yo! What do I win? Chris is done being a politician and wants to go to Death-Con 4 over this power struggle (something which I believe only the most senior politician in the country can authorise?) In response Tony gets to give him the softest strangle he has ever given out.

Not satisfied with his most enjoyable strangle of all time, he’s coming in heavy Junior! Oh boy. As they sit opposite each other I’m waiting for Jr to whip out his wallet and hand over $40. Instead Tony puts his book on Eldery Care to good use and throws an illusion of power his uncles way (it is his uncle right?) for the price of Bloomfield and the Paving Union; which you’ll be shocked to hear, means absolutely nothing to me. Maybe that’s intentional and is the start of a larger con, a power grab, or maybe I’m just stupid. Leave your answer in the comments section but prepare for my furious comebacks!

Not quite basking in his not quite successful heavyweight battle, Anthony goes to talk to his sister and amazingly it’s brought to our attention that the kid actually thinks his dad works in waste management*. Oh brother…let me show you ‘megamob.com’ where we’ll get you a print out of the ‘megabytes of mobsters‘. I’m surprised the kid was so confident before knowing what his family did, now he’ll be unbearable.

Speaking of confidence, Jennifer has the glasses off and the girls out front and centre (is this blog sexist? comments below, furious comebacks etc). She’s desperate for a bit of “Randall” which, lets just say is a name which suits him well (are you a Randall? comments, comebacks etc). Not-Randy-Randall is freaking out about being followed which again seems very overboard – is Tony really signing off on this?

As Tony talks about a tale of his mobster youth, Legs (it is sexiest) looks on drearily. How this woman is bored by tales of dead bodies, but is giddy around the empty head of Randall I can’t tell ya. She opens up to Tony (professional as ever) about how she’s in that room for 10 hours a day (I’d guess Tony isn’t far off that himself) and has become out of touch with how violent society is. Really? Really Jenny? Do you hear anything that’s being said during that 10 hours inside the room?! You know what?…

As she vents about her ordeal the other night, Tony drops a loud “fucking moron” like the cartoon character that he is. Sorry Big T that was uncalled for, I take that back. Love ya. As she tries to regain her composure I think we’re all wondering; could you have found a shorter skirt?! Jesus woman, this is a place of business. Tony calms her down by saying he’s gonna stick around so she can keep manipulating him and telling him exactly what to do each day. I’m paraphrasing.

Cut to Jackie’s funeral, as Tony has to confront the idea of loss again. I liked Jackie. Poor Jackie. Final shot is Anthony looking at his family, perhaps seeing them as they really are for the first time. Oh look at that, just took 2000 words for me to say something half decent. You get what you pay for.

Moving forward I’d like to see less time in Jennifer’s office. It’s just argument city, where nothing really gets resolved. To make matters worse it’s in danger of becoming Dr Jenny’s hour every visit and we don’t need that. She’ll be killed at some point right? She’ll get wrapped up in something, see something she shouldn’t. Maybe someone will kidnap her thinking she’s Tony’s mistress. Maybe Carmela will kill her and have an affair with the stud that is Randall. I’ve got more good theories but this is long enough – too long some people would say. Those people would be right.

This Weeks on: Your-Fears-Might-Be-Too-Literal

*To be fair it probably took me 3 episodes to work out.