Woke up this morning…
We’re off to college!
I’ve been thinking about watching a whole episode before typing away, making the whole process a lot more comprehensible and structured, but you know who else is doing that? Everybody!

Father daughter road trip! I’m in! (Mostly because I’m guessing Tony hasn’t taken Jenny with him but lets not tempt fate).

Got to pause the show a few seconds in to just back up a few words of truth from The Big T. As Meadow brims with non-mobster-daughter excitement with the idea of studying abroad Tony comes battering in with:
“What you gonna study in India? How not to get diarrhoea?“
I spent a month in India and – Meadow? – If you get a chance to take that course TAKE IT! Was that too much information for a rambling TV blog? Well you know where the exit button is! Don’t though; we’re just getting started.

While Tony and Meadow have a nice chat about college I’m suprised it’s him taking her around them, seems like something her mom would have done. Oh is that sexist? Is this blog sexist now?! Why do I keep baiting you to say this blog is sexiest? Jennifer? I guess I shouldn’t be suprised It’s Tony taking her – guys always on the move. Good for him. Tony mentions he got into some trouble when he was younger – will The Sopranos do flashback epsiodes? I’m going to say no and credit Lost for making flashbacks mainstream. Live together, die alone and all that.

Oh Meadow coming out with the big guns, out of nowhere!
“Are you in the mafia?”
Tony does a funny job of being defensively, offended for about 5 seconds, before dipping his toe in a little pool of truth water. A little. Omniscient Meadow is happy she got a wedge of truth out of him and they bond.

Tony’s on the payphone. His Russian mistress is in a needy mood and throws a fit when he hangs up on her. Carmela on the other hand is so used to being hung up on her she barely bothers to roll her eyes.

No time to get them digits Med, we got a car to chase! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a speed camera in America on TV, is that how it is? Should try doing a Fast and Furious movie set in England it wouldn’t last 10 minutes. Anyway Tony reluctantly bails and they make it to the hotel in record time. He rewards himself with another payphone fix to Christopher.

Back at home and Anthony is bringing his sick mum breakfast in bed. Scratch that. The shittest breakfast in bed ever assembled. What have we got here? A “poached” egg which has been boiled [check]; a healthy amount of orange juice swirling around the tray [check, check]. I can’t even. Nurse Jackie, not one to throw a hissy fit, politely declines but refuses his goodbye kiss – that’s your punishment kid, enjoy dissecting that at therapy in the future #LetGoOfWitholdingParents

Oh look who’s back (back again) it’s the priest! The Fleabag storyline is back on and Nurse Jackie takes “just a minute” to make herself look presentable for him. As he gets soaked. Women.

Back on the road trip and Tony wants to do some justifying of his chosen career path to his daughter looking to start her own. Make sure she’s okay with it all. She’s hardly bothered – she’s a smart girl, i guess she’s known for a while.

Oh Meadow what you doing. In some misplaced quid pro quo moment Meadow decides to open up about buying meth that one time. To her utter surprise Tony is not taking it well (I take back that smart girl comment). He simmers down quickly enough and doesn’t press her on who gave it to her. They bond.

From one teenage girl to another and Carmela is doing her best awkward flirting-I’m-not-flirting with the priest – who is turns out – IS THE BIGGEST DOUCHE on the show. Congrats Jennifer! I present to you, The Priest:

“You’ll see how Islam has gotten a bad rap in current culture and, you know, oh this [wine] though is beyond reproach! Word up!”

Ohhhahaha this Priest is a dick! How someone can be so empty yet so pretentious is impressive. Word up indeed you freaking clown. Maybe I’m projecting* but there is something in Carmela’s eyes where she knows Fr Sleazebag is a dick, but she just craves some affection.

*(Projecting in the sense that I think the priest is a dickbag. I’m not saying that I’m desperately craving affection, any affection, i’d take a handshake at this point….I meant in this scene…how i feel about…the priest… Got it?)

OK. I’m calm. Tony finds a way to break free of his father daughter bonding sess so he can take care of this runaway, Petrulio.

Someone’s ears were burning – Doc Jenny is on the line! Unfortunately for everyone Tony isn’t home. She’s sick too, something’s going around I guess. Carmela would write down the number of this woman looking for her husband, but she lost her pen up his ass. Damn. I hate when that happens. I’ll get it. Not one to miss a beat, Carmela instantly knows it’s his therapist …why were you sure a bitch then?…oh because they must be banging. I think I called that a few episodes ago, but who can remember.

When Fr Sleazebag tried to calm Carmela down, she flippantly suggests he talk to Tony, for his, you know, soul. Fr Sleaze says something like:
‘Ohhh….I…ah….but will he listen? No I can’t talk to him I’m too busy creeping around his wife whenever he’s out of town‘.
Bats that right away. He’s always chewing this guy.

From one guy creeping around someone’s wife (my segues are lazy). Tony finds Petrulio in the hot tub. An off screen dog barks. Cheese it!

This episode is fun to follow with just the two stories so far. Back with creepy priest andddddd…he’s chewing. Lots of confusion over what was Jesus and what was The Beatles. Then Jackie really catches the priest off guard by venting a few ‘wait, is religion bullshit?‘ questions. The chewing slows before he pulls out the old love card. He has a thing for Emma Thompson (still chewing) and uses it as an excuse to say “Carmela. Tonight; we may fuck!” He doesn’t actually. But he might as well of.

Back with Tony and the bells are chiming – someone’s gonna die. Petrulio is on the defensive finding out if a “big guy” has been asking about him. How does he know it was Tony from the car he saw driving a mile away from his house?

You can’t go to therapy on the road, but you can seclude yourself into a confined space every 10 seconds. Yep, Tony is back at a phone box.

He knows its him from his lips on a Regan statue. Kudos to the writing team.
[Update: On editing I’ve realised the guy making busts with shit lips was referenced earlier in a quick fire back and forth with Tony and Christopher. Blink and you miss it. I missed it. I withdraw my shade]

Fr Sleazebag is loving the movie night but the very sight of Anthony Hopkins has Carmela blubbering (she’s probably not alone on that). Sleazebag decides its time for a mobile confession – so he gets out his portable robe stole (had to google that), making a mockery of all those that asked “Hey Fr Creepy, are you seriously bringing that everywhere you go? When will you ever need that?!” Carmela gets the weight of her husbands lifestyle off her chest – I hope she doesn’t end up banging her therapist. I actually think this story ends with them kissing and one running away – calling it.

Meadow has had one too many and Tony carries her into the motel room, as they are watched by Petrulio, gun cocked, aiming at them. Not too sure why he didn’t take the shot – he could have ended it all there and then.

OK the stole was one thing, but to whip out an entire communion set? Too far writers room! “I had it on me for an intensiv-” nah nah nah nah nah no you didn’t. No. Next he’s going to pull a 7 foot crucifix out of his bag. What did he put in the wine? Holy water? That’s not a done thing is it?

Oh the director is having some fun with the communion here. Very sensual tongue work by Carmela drinking that wine and eating that bread.

So much weird angsty sexual tension as Carmela, still on her knees, watches Fr Sleazebag drink the rest of the wine. Shit, he doesn’t drink it, he deepthroat it! You heard me.

Home communion is hot!

Yep. It even comes with a cuddle. Obviously. Oh and we cut to an ad break! I was sure that was about to be the kiss. Well played writers room…

There’s only one person wetter than Carmela this episode (sorry) and that’s me Chris. Poor Christopher. Tony says he needs to kill this guy himself now, as Petrulio might have recognised him at the gas station (oh…okay that makes sense). Meadow wanders out her room for a second. Is she going to volunteer too? What you doing girl? Go to bed you weirdo.

Sorry Ant Jr you only get one scene this week. Carmela gets a call from him to say he is sleeping at his friends, leaving the creepy douche and Nurse Jackie alone to fleabag it up. They would have gotten away with it too if “Fr Phil” didn’t…poison himself in that wine, what the fuck! Carmela goes to call Tony but decides there is no point upon hearing his voice. After this episode I’m going back and counting just how many phone calls took place this episode, got to be a record.

Tables are turning as it’s Petrulios turn to follow Tony. Sorry Fred but if you aren’t going to kill him while he sleeps, you aren’t going to kill him. Your imminent death is on you.

Things are awkward the morning after the puke before for Fr Sleaze and Carmela. Hey wait a minute…[IMDB]…this is the same guy that Nurse Jackie is banging (married to?) in that show! How did that take me 5 episodes?! Well I’ll tell you how, I didn’t see much Nurse Jackie and I want to say he was bald in that? No one cares. OK so Sopranos: “Nothing happened, nothing happened” says Carmela to both show her irritation and to stop the guy from freaking out.

This guy is definitely more afraid of Tony than God. The dynamic in this scene is very different from any other between them – probably the first in the figurative and literal cold light of day – and I think that’s the reason i remembered he was in Nurse Jackie! Good acting sir! They break up before they ever got together. Been there.

Still at ‘Peters’ Travel’ – should be Peter’s Travel right? I’m probably the last person who should be handing out punctuation fines. Oh shit that reminds me I drove in a bus lane the other day and I’m definitely getting that fine this week. Thanks a lot Sopranos!

Got ya! Tony goes for the Austin Powers style strangulation, nice. Frank doesn’t sound like he’s being strangled though… oh now he does…

He watches ducks (or was it geese?) fly away and wonders whether his actions are in danger of tearing his family apart. The camera zooms out, there is a wooshing sound and cue Tony flashback!

We’re back and Meadow really wants to double down on the honesty pact in the car. Tony argues “Takes two to tango” aka ‘Want to tell me who you got the drugs from? Diddddddn’t think sooo”.

Not ideal prep for an entrance interview.

While she is in there Tony sees the most on the nose quote, it might as well of had his name in there (with a picture of a winking duck at the bottom). Creepy teen walks past “He’s our most famous alumnus” doesn’t even break stride. So many weirdos, so little time.

“The priest spent the night here” Oh boy. Hey, so did he deliberately poison himself to stop them from banging? If so, got to ask why the emergency travel communion kit includes a bottle of poison…Hmm!

Given where her mind was at, I don’t think Carmela has any right to be offended by Tony.
“Oh I bet he gave you communion!”
It’s great that Tony isn’t doing the classic angry, jilted husband thing… everything is already so weird at this point he’s just eating a sandwich. A bit of him is enjoying it – maybe feels less guilty himself, relieved, even though I don’t think he actually believe anything happened. He’d love some moral high ground right about now.

Must be “a fag“, real classy T. Time for Carmela to bring out her secret weapon and just mention that his therapist called – Jennifer? (Word up!) Just like that it’s Tony in the dog house. Wow. No one knows how to win arguments like women, they just don’t, I don’t want to hear it.

Hey that episode was a lot of fun! No therapy, no complicated mobster shenanigans and, an unpresidented in the history of television, 10 phone calls!

We haven’t seen Tony get his hands dirty too often but he sure did tonight. Did a little bonding too, although slight danger of that being undone given what he eventually used the trip for. Even when he chooses to just be dad for a weekend, he ends up picking Big T – close to getting his daughter killed in the process – he’s right to look up at the birds in angst. Think the Jenny conflict between them will blow over pretty quickly; maybe he’ll have to invite her along. Jenny does like to get her legs out though so that’s probably not going to help.

Five hours in and Carmela steals the show for me, which is impressive because she hardly leaves the house or has any action at all…

I didn’t mean it like that. One thing that makes her relationship with the priest more difficult to assess is that she actually does seem really religious. Not only does that make the idea of infidelity more difficult but to have feelings for an actual priest (no matter how much of a sleazebag) becomes really juicy. It’s like; ‘I wanted to be closer to God…but not like this!’ sort of thing. She probably does value his attention more, but ultimately I think if the postman gave her some attention there’d be sexual tension at this point. Poor Carmela.

Anyway, great episode – you could say it was beyond reproach!

…IF YOU WERE AN ARSEHOLE